Thoughts that I'm thinking instead of sleeping...

All three boys napped at the same time today - for an hour. I layed down and my heavy eyes felt the hint of relief as I tried to break some kind of mom record and nap too. But thoughts swirled in my mind as I tried not to think about Mathias' Dr appointments.

I tried not to be discouraged at the times today that Mathias wouldn't turn to look at me when I called his name... I tried not to be too encouraged by the times he looked me in the eye today and smiled with a whole body wiggle. I write this now, with the older two boys up from their nap... and my eyes still heavy with a slight sting.

Yesterday, I put some new sheets on our bed that I bought on clearance a while back. They are white. John didn't know I bought them. And he was surprised when he climbed into bed and discovered them. I cringed and purposefully tried not to look him in the eye. I had spent money on something we didn't need. He really frowns upon that. The sheets aren't even nice sheets. They were on sale. Half off. Like my Grandma use to say, I'm going to "go broke saving money."

My sweet husband. He's learned a few things about his wife over the years. He didn't ask when I got them or how much they were. After I tried to explain and justify the purchase, he simply said, "this is your house too. i want you to feel comfortable." So much forgiveness and love in those words. They still comfort me today.

With my husband in mind, I showered. I showered, shaved, lathered, moisturized, clipped, applied makeup, deodorant, perfume, and jewelry. I haven't done this much primping since my wedding. We have a date tonight.

I looked myself in the mirror and my face wrinkled in disgust. I look worse. Worse than when I started. I looked like a drag-queen.

I was trying to take-on, enter into, absorb, represent beauty. I used all the products. But the beauty promised in the products more than disappointed. They gave me an artificial - a stale representation of beauty. It was an ugly beauty.

Then I remembered something CS Lewis wrote about beauty... I had to get the book and look it up.

"At present we are on the outside of the world, the wrong side of the door. We discern the freshness and purity of beauty, but they do not make us fresh and pure. We cannot mingle with the splendors we see. But all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so. Someday, God willing, we shall get IN." (The Weight of Glory)

Ahhh... with a voluntary obedience to God, the beauty, the Glory is put on.... is sunk in. It is not a false imitation of good, of faith, of trust. I don't want to flaunt my faith in drag. The real beauty... is in thinking about Mathias - hopes and discouragements. And then surrendering it to God with "hands off" obedience. (I know this will bless and dazzle my husband much more than any good primping session.)

Oh God, I believe. Help my unbelief.